the rumors are true...

Feeling better after a good sleep, and my horoscope now decides to tell me that this is a day to hold back romantically. Thanks for the warning.

About to enjoy a fabulous dinner of pasta with mushroomy spaghetti sauce and lots of cheddar cheese. I love cooking this stuff, especially when I'm smart enough to use leftovers to make it :D And it's so yummy. Kind of unfortunate how I've been craving carbs lately; really need to do something about that. Almost worse than constantly craving chocolate, I think.





My hair is RED!! Red, I tell you!

Grrr. I'm annoyed this morning, with Andrew and with myself. I get frustrated because it feels like he's not even trying to make this relationship start, or really do much of anything out of his way to capture my heart. Granted, I let it slide every time something comes up or goes wrong and tell him not to worry about it, so maybe this is partly my fault. But he could at least put in some effort. You know, like maybe try to figure out when we could see each other outside of combined work time? The one real date we've been on, I asked him out, not the other way around as it should have been.

Dammit. He's not overly affectionate, he has other obligations that DO tie up a lot of his time and I know they're justified, and he says he's afraid to give his heart too easily because it's been broken every time he does. Is it just me, or does it seem like I'm basically being expected to throw my heart out into open air and hope that he's going to catch it?

I want him to notice when I put in the extra effort to straighten my hair and put on makeup so I look pretty for him. I want him to TELL me he notices. I want him to do things or say things that let me know he wants to spend more time with me. It would be really nice to have some indication that he's not just attracted to me, but actually really likes me and wants me to really like him too.

Am I expecting too much?

Mom is better

I changed jobs

Janie's not coming back

Ali's yelling at me to pay more attention to this thing

This has got to be some sort of elaborate joke.

I'm crashed and burning, baby, and there's nothing to put out the fire.

I don't know exactly what to write, what to say. I'm hurting. I'm crying. I don't know what to think right now.

All time lows are a sucky place to be.

My mother is sick, recovering but with a long road ahead of her. I don't think I've ever felt so scared about anything in my life. It isn't like the temporarily paralyzing fear you get over your own safety. It drags on forever, makes everything run in slow motion and you think it's going to keep going on like this forever and ever. She's always been careful, always been watchful. It saved her life. It had already been growing for over a year, the doctors said. If that knot hadn't developed, if she hadn't been persistent enough to make the doctor check it, they might never have found the cancer and it would have killed her in another year or two. Her own body had it in for her. And mine could do the same. Four people had to help her get up from the bed last night so she could walk five feet to the bathroom. She had tubes and needles and moniters stuck in her and on her, and couldn't walk without help. It was bad.

My job...no, let's be honest here. I'm on the chopping block at work. I've been there a long time, and my boss has kept trying to pull me off of it and I keep climbing right back up. Now he's offered me a graceful way out, and I'm wondering if I should take it. I've been wishing for this opportunity for months, I'll admit, I just didn't expect it to happen and didn't think it would feel like this when it arrived. I really don't think I'm cut out for this work. I love helping people, but my intuition and social skills aren't developed enough to be able to handle the intricacies of it successfully. I've wanted to look for something else and this is the ideal time for me to leave the office, while they've already started looking to fill another position and have all these resumes and people jumping for the chance. I could step out easily. I just don't know where I should go.

I have to stop now. I can't keep thinking about this today. Too many tears already.