I don't know exactly what to write, what to say. I'm hurting. I'm crying. I don't know what to think right now.
All time lows are a sucky place to be.
My mother is sick, recovering but with a long road ahead of her. I don't think I've ever felt so scared about anything in my life. It isn't like the temporarily paralyzing fear you get over your own safety. It drags on forever, makes everything run in slow motion and you think it's going to keep going on like this forever and ever. She's always been careful, always been watchful. It saved her life. It had already been growing for over a year, the doctors said. If that knot hadn't developed, if she hadn't been persistent enough to make the doctor check it, they might never have found the cancer and it would have killed her in another year or two. Her own body had it in for her. And mine could do the same. Four people had to help her get up from the bed last night so she could walk five feet to the bathroom. She had tubes and needles and moniters stuck in her and on her, and couldn't walk without help. It was bad.
My job...no, let's be honest here. I'm on the chopping block at work. I've been there a long time, and my boss has kept trying to pull me off of it and I keep climbing right back up. Now he's offered me a graceful way out, and I'm wondering if I should take it. I've been wishing for this opportunity for months, I'll admit, I just didn't expect it to happen and didn't think it would feel like this when it arrived. I really don't think I'm cut out for this work. I love helping people, but my intuition and social skills aren't developed enough to be able to handle the intricacies of it successfully. I've wanted to look for something else and this is the ideal time for me to leave the office, while they've already started looking to fill another position and have all these resumes and people jumping for the chance. I could step out easily. I just don't know where I should go.
I have to stop now. I can't keep thinking about this today. Too many tears already.
I'm crashed and burning, baby, and there's nothing to put out the fire.